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Today

Hey Everyone,

I woke up this morning and felt a little wonky. Nothing really specific, just weird. Like I was caught between being in a great mood, and being in a crappy mood. But I wasn’t just okay feeling either. It was kind of like being stuck at the top of a roller coaster. You’re waiting for the exhilarating ride down and it’s exciting and your heart is pounding and you know it’s going to be awesome. But you’re stuck there. So you’re excited and you’re ready, but nothing is happening. You’re just waiting and waiting. And you’re stuck. You’re just stuck. Waiting to fall. Waiting to fly. But you’re stuck. So you’re at this weird place where you aren’t up or down but you aren’t okay either. It’s like you switch from moment to moment from being excited and thrilled to being totally frustrated and upset. But there’s no in between time.

I felt like that all morning. While I was getting ready for work and on the drive over.

When I got to work it was pretty slow and my mood actually started to lift. I think it’s because I wasn’t there alone today. All weekend long I’m basically alone. Yeah, I work with two other people, but they don’t really speak English so I have no one to talk to. No one to joke around with. And no one to share the English-speaking duties with. It sounds stupid but when you work from open to close twice a week with basically no company and doing what feels like 2/3 of the work all by yourself it drains you. It makes you feel totally wiped. And a lot frustrated.

So it’s nice, kind of exciting, and definitely a relief when you get two days a week where you don’t work from open to close, where you aren’t the only English speaking worker, where there’s someone to share the work with. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders not having to do it all, or almost all, by myself.

So I was feeling pretty good. Pretty much through all of my shift actually.

And then it was time to come home….I don’t know. I just felt off again.

I think coming home to an empty house is starting to get to me. I mean, my dogs are here, but it isn’t quite the same. There’s no people to talk to here. And I haven’t seen people really in weeks. I saw my mom for about 30 minutes when I stayed at her house. I saw my other friend a week or two before that when we spent the day shopping. But really getting to see and hang out with people once a month, or less, probably isn’t healthy.

I don’t know what to do about it though. Everyone I know has such a different schedule than I have. And now I am way too broke to do anything or go anywhere. I’m so broke I’m not sure how I’m going to make it this month. I’m not sure how I’m going to pay for gas to get and to and from work. So going anywhere else is out of the question.

Right now everything is stressful. Everything is wrong. And everything is falling apart. I think the only reason I was okay at work is because I didn’t have time to think about how screwed I was going to be later. My second paycheck this month was way too small. I missed a whole week of work when I was sick, and then my hours got cut.

I’m screwed, but I’m not sure how screwed. And that is the hardest thing of all.

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