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Lost & Confused

Hey Everyone,

I’m feeling a little down today and I’m a lot stressed out. And I’m not handling it well at all.

I had to ask my mom for money for the first time in a long time and that is bothering me a lot. I feel so guilty for doing it because of the way she’s always taking care of my sister. But I was stuck and didn’t know what else to do. I missed a week of work and my hours got cut. By kind of a lot.

I was working full time, at least 40 hours a week, usually a little more. But they’ve cut me down by about 10 hours a week now so I’m down to 30-ish. I was barely making it at 40+ hours a week. I don’t know how I’m going to survive with 30.

I’m really stressing out about it. I’ve been applying for a lot of new jobs. Trying to find something that pays better and has better/more hours, but so far no one has contacted me. I’m really freaking out.

I have no savings to fall back on or to use as a cushion. I wasn’t smart with my money before and now I’m doubly screwed. So I had to ask my mom for money to help me survive this month.

And what did I do with the little bit of extra money that I asked for to use as a cushion? I went shopping. Not intentionally. I mean, I went shopping on purpose, but I was only going for a couple of things. Small things. Fairly inexpensive things. But I knew better. I’m no good at sticking to a plan or list when it comes to shopping. I ended up spending $87 out of the approximately $100 that I had planned to keep for emergencies and such. I feel like I’m even more screwed now than I was before I asked for the money.

And I promised to start paying her back next month. I’m not sure I can afford to do that, but I have to find a way. I’ve got to figure something out and I’ve got to do it fast.

So today has kind of sucked in the sense that I did something I shouldn’t have and I’m mad at myself for it. So mad at myself.

Half of what I bought was food, but I also bought candy, both for me and a friend, but still. I don’t need candy. I also bought a couple of ceramic cereal bowls. I didn’t necessarily need them, I have bowls at home, but the bowls I have at home are really small and shallow. I spill the milk from my cereal, or spill my soup, fairly regularly with the bowls I already have. So I got two bowls that I can use for soups and cereal and stuff. I just needed something deeper. They were $6 a piece, which is a lot for me to spend on one dish, but they’re super cute and I’ve been eyeing them for a while.

I’m also having a tough time with a couple of my friends. I keep trying to talk to them, just in general, and I’m not really getting a response from either of them. I was supposed to hang out with one of them this week but when I asked when I didn’t get a response. Twice. So the ball is in her court now. I don’t know what’s going on with my other friend. One friend has been super great lately, but our schedules are super opposite so it’s hard to actually see her or talk with her, and I can’t talk with her about all the things I want to talk about. So I’m feeling kind of alone too.

I just need some kind of pick me up. Something to lift my sprits again and make me feel better so I can get out of this place in my head. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to work really hard on getting things done and trying to get some things in my life in order. Even if it’s just small things.

Wish me luck.

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