So today has been a really tough day for me, although I’m not sure why.
I had every intention of getting up this morning and getting things done today. I didn’t even have that much that I actually had to get done, but there were a few things I was going to do and I honestly didn’t get any of them done.
I didn’t write up a budget. Or make a to-do list. Or put away my Christmas tree. Or clean up my dishes. Or vacuum. Or even put away my Amazon delivery. I made food, napped, and watched TV today. That’s pretty much it. And I’m mad at myself for it, but at the same time emotionally and mentally it has been such a weird/rough day that I can’t really blame myself of just taking it easy. Especially when I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Basically I feel like I’m ready for a change. A big one. Or a lot of little ones that sort of add up to a big one. I’m ready to get healthy. I’m ready to be more of an adult. I’m ready to get on top of my financial situation and figure out how to afford things better.
At this point, I’m not expecting to get any kind of inheritance. No one has brought it up in months and every time I try I pretty much get blown off. So I have a feeling that something is up and I’m going to get the short end of the stick. I’m upset about it, but maybe it’s time to be realistic and realize that I’m going to have to take care of myself and no one is going to really help me.
Sure, I’m living in a house that I’m not paying for in any way, but it’s beneficial to everyone, not just me. And I do my best to be grateful and respectful of this opportunity to live rent/utility free.
But I can’t help feeling like if this wasn’t a benefit to everyone else then I wouldn’t be here. I lucked out with this. And maybe I’ll be here for a little while, but I honestly don’t think so. I don’t feel like I will. I feel like as soon as I get myself situated and settled here, really settled and happy, I think right around that time I’ll have to move on. I just don’t feel like I’m meant to be settled. Anywhere. At all.
There’s a reason my only tattoo so far say Fernweh.
I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before, but I don’t feel at home in any one place for more than a couple of years. Like 4 years maximum. I moved out after high school and moved to my dad’s place in Oregon. I lived there for 4 years, then moved back to my mom’s in California to go to school. After a couple years I moved to Texas for 6 months. Then I moved back to California and moved in with a friend. Then I moved into my grandma’s place after about 8-9 months living with my friend.
Since I was old enough to decide for myself where I wanted to live I haven’t stayed in one place too long. And even though I’ve been in California for about 7 years, minus 6 months in Texas and a summer in Oregon, I haven’t lived in the same town/house the whole time. I’m almost 30, I’m getting ready to start another stage of my life and I have this deep seated gut feeling that it won’t be here.
And not only will it not be here, it’ll be alone.
Sometimes I honestly feel like I’m not meant to have long term people in my life. Sure, I’m meant to have friends, even long term ones, but not people I see every day, or even every week. The friends I get along with the best are the ones I don’t see all the time. And I’ve never been one to see my family all the time. And when it comes to relationships I don’t seem to know what I want or need so they all fail.
So maybe I’m meant to spend my life alone. Just me and pets. Animals. Maybe that’s my future. It’s something I need to prepare myself for either way, because even though I feel deep in my soul that I am going to spend the majority of my life alone, it doesn’t mean I want it that way. So preparing myself to be alone is going to be important.
In the end it doesn’t really matter what I prepare myself for because the universe is going to do what it wants. And I might not even be around in a year or two. I may never turn 30. We just don’t know.
So, today has been a tough day. And I’m ready to make some changes. I’m ready to move on with my life. It’s time to grow up, for real this time, and make my life my own.