Sorry I haven’t been around much. To be honest I’ve had some serious writer’s block, and I’ve been sort of busy. Mostly I just haven’t had anything to say.
I guess I’ve been kind of in a haze lately.
I worked almost every day last week. I feel exhausted and burnt out.
I’m so frustrated with life right now. Today was a bunch of little frustrating things and by the time I was driving home I was crying. I’ve just felt off lately. Tired a lot. Easily irritated. I don’t know.
I’m broke which isn’t helping. And now I have to get my car back in alignment which is going to cost me money I don’t have. My grandparents are getting ready to leave for Mexico (the first week of October) and to be honest I’m not sure how I’m going to eat once they’re gone. They’ve been buying all the food for the house which has allowed me to pay all my bills, but once they’re gone I’m on my own. I’m going to be eating a lot of ramen noodles I think.
I don’t know guys. I’m stressed out, I’m tired, I’m sad.
I’m so frustrated with some of my family members that I can’t even really talk to them. On my mom’s side everything is about my sister and the new baby. I’m so sick of hearing about it. And my sister posts about either how tough her life is, how well she’s doing in school, or the baby ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! It’s so irritating. And I shouldn’t really care that much, but I do. I’m just so sick of hearing about her life and everything that’s going on in it all the time.
You know I’m pretty sure that the majority of my life it’s been all about my sister. We weren’t born that far apart so really I was only a priority for a few short months before my sister existed and became the center of my family’s world. It’s never stopped. Nothing is ever about me. I can’t remember the last time something was truly about me. Even my birthdays are back burner things more often than not. I know that everyone has to have their own life and that no one should be the absolute center of that life, but isn’t it supposed to be about me/you sometimes? Every once in a while aren’t we supposed to be the center of the world? The thing people care most about, at least for that moment? Or maybe it just seems that way because my sister has been the center of the world for so many moments that I just think the world is supposed to work that way for everyone.
It’s sad but just once I would like to be the important thing in someone’s life. The thing they were most worried about, the thing they cared most about, the thing that made life worth living for them. Or something like that. I’m so tired of feeling insignificant. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter and like the world would move on without noticing if I were gone. I guess the truly sad part is that it’s never going to happen for me.
Alright guys, that’s enough self pity for one night I think. Sorry this post turned out to be such a downer, guess I finally came up with something to say. Really I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not having been around lately and to tell you guys that I’ve been blocked (mentally) and to say that I haven’t given up on this, or on getting better. Things have just gone a little wonky/busy/silent for a while. I’m sure things will get more back to normal soon. Thanks for hanging in there with me if you have.