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Stuck

I feel stuck again. Not sure what to do. My life is going so well. I’ve got a job I can handle that I don’t hate, that pays my bills well enough and has a schedule I don’t detest. I have an amazing boyfriend that I don’t feel I deserve, beautiful and lovely dogs, my health, and loads of other good things going on in my life, but I feel stuck. I feel confused.

My wonderful, sweet, amazing, perfect boyfriend says he loves me. I don’t know how to accept it. I feel like an idiot. I feel unworthy of it to be honest. And I’m afraid of it. I know it upsets him a bit that I don’t say it back, but I can’t yet. I adore him, more than words can express properly and I’m desperately afraid that I’m going to screw it up and that he’ll leave me. I’m afraid if I let myself love him I’ll end up heartbroken and alone again. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being afraid and for doubting everything.

I even hate myself a little bit for writing this. But it’s been weighing on me all day and I just can’t take it anymore.

I want to love and be loved. I don’t want to be afraid and I don’t want to spend all my time worrying that he’s going to leave me. He makes me so happy and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to take it as it comes and just be happy. I feel like every time something good happens to me something else goes horribly wrong. Like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or for the sky to start falling.

I know I care for him so much and I don’t want to lose him. I want nothing more than to make him happy and be there for him. I want to support his dreams and goals in life. I want to be good enough for him. I’m just not sure I am.

I know he’s going to read this. He’s one of the only people who reads what I write regularly. It makes me want to make the post private, but I think I wrote this post so he would know how I’m feeling. Know what I’m thinking. Without having to actually say it out loud.

He’s just so good to me and  I’m afraid I’m not reciprocating well enough. I feel like I’m repeating myself and making it worse.

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