Who am I?
It’s a question I ask myself every day. It’s a question that as of yet I cannot answer.
I know I’m a good person. I know that I love easily, fall quickly and too frequently give people the benefit of the doubt. I can be a horrible judge of character and let far too many people take advantage of me. I’m way too generous and too often refuse to see the bad in people. Especially if I care about that person.
I’m too passive aggressive. I don’t know when to quit. I don’t know how to shut up or when to leave people alone.
I could go on for days. But I still don’t know who I am.
No one else seems to know either.
I try to tell people as much about me as I can. I’m really more of an open book than people realize. They just have to ask the right questions. Everyone always wants to know what I want to do with my life, what I want to be when I grow up, what degree I want to get in school, etc. And I don’t know how to answer those questions.
I want to know at what point did those become the defining questions? When did society decide that you have to be able to answer those questions to have any idea who you are? Or for them to have any idea who you are?
I’m sorry that I don’t know who I am, what I want to do with my life, what I want to go to school for, etc. I’m trying my best to figure it out, but I’m so afraid I’ll choose the wrong thing that I can’t seem to make any choice at all.
You know, I see all these people in the world, walking around, busy with their own lives, their own jobs and relationships and families, and none of them seem happy. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to choose a career, choose a life path, and then regret it later. I don’t want to end up working in a job that I hate. I want to do something with my life. Something I enjoy. Something that means something, even if it only means something to me.
That can’t be that hard to understand, can it?
Doesn’t everyone have that dream at one point or another? Doesn’t everyone want that great career that they love and can’t wait to get to every day? At least in the beginning, before reality sets in and society pressures you to make a decision and stick with it. Or am I the only one?
I want to explore the world more. I want to experiment with career options and see what kind of things are out there as options. I want to discover who I am, not be forced to decide who I am. I want to grow and change and evolve as time goes on, not be stuck being one thing my entire life. I don’t want to make those decisions now. And I definitely don’t want anyone else trying to make those decisions for me.
I’m almost 28 years old, I know that by now most people have made decisions in life to decide who they are going to be and what they are going to do. I just haven’t gotten there yet. I want to do something I’m going to love. Something I’m going to want to do every day, or at least four or five days a week. I don’t want to dread going to work. I don’t want to feel sick every time I have to go into work. I want to be excited, I want to look forward to it, I want to at least feel something positive toward what I’m going to do with my life.
Trust me people, you aren’t the only ones frustrated by the fact that I haven’t made any of these decisions, or saddened by the fact that at almost 28 years old I’m no better off than I was when I graduated from high school. It sucks. It’s frustrating. It’s depressing. Most of all, it’s scary. I’m terrified that I’ll never know what I want to do and that I’ll spend my whole life doing nothing while trying to figure out what I actually want. I’m afraid that I’ll choose the wrong thing and end up hating my life.
I know there have to be other people out there who feel this way. There have to be other people who still don’t know what they want to be when they grow up. I can’t be the only one who hasn’t grown up yet who “should have”.