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It’s Been A While….

Hey Guys,

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here. Let’s just say life has been tough. I’m going to go ahead and catch you all up and then hopefully I’ll start being around again more often. We’ll see how it goes. Life is definitely different now.

First things first, I’m sure everyone has guessed by now that my grandma is gone. She passed away (I hate the way that sounds) February 21st. Basically what happened is we took her off the breathing machine. In the end the machine was barely keeping her alive, she wasn’t conscious, and she looked miserable. The machine was cutting into her face, her lungs were only filling a quarter of the way, she couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything. That’s no way for anyone to live. So as a family we made the decision to remove the machine and let her pass in a more peaceful manner.

It was hard and I opted not to be there for it. I decided that I had enough not-so-good memories of my grandma, and I didn’t want the last time I saw her to be of her dying. I don’t know if that makes me a good person or a bad person but I don’t really care because it was the right decision for me. It was time. It was past time. It was quick once they took the machine off. They made her comfortable so she didn’t feel any pain. My mom was there, my coworker, and my mom’s boyfriend (now husband, but more on that later). My grandpa and uncle didn’t want to be there either. It was just too hard for all of us.

My grandma decided to be cremated and that happened on the 24th. After that we buried her with her husband in the local cemetery. I didn’t go to that either. Some of the family did, but I stayed home with my niece. She was only 3 at the time (she’s 4 now) and it just wasn’t something she needed to be part of. I stayed home and got the house ready so people could come back here afterwards. I put out the food and drinks and kleenex. Some people came, no one really stayed. It was sad to see really. It was almost like our little get together that we put on to give people a chance to say goodbye was more of an inconvenience to them than anything. I don’t know why they bothered to show up at all if they were going to treat it that way.

My cousins came down from Oregon for the burial and reception. They stayed here so they were here for a while. Some friends of my coworker showed up and they stayed for a while too. Eventually it turned into a drinking party with just a small group of people. Everyone was just so upset or I don’t know what. I was upset. I just wanted to go to bed. But I stayed up, participated in the “party”. I was glad when everyone finally left.

Since then life has been a complete cluster fuck.

There was a huge delay in finding out what was in her will so no one knew for sure what was going on with the house. It was really stressing us out. My grandparents had been told before that it would be theirs, but without confirmation no one wanted to get too excited about it. I didn’t know what to do because I live in her house, and if someone else had gotten it then I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Luckily we did eventually find out that the house is supposed to go to my grandpa and he would like me to stay here, at least for now, to help take care of the place while he’s gone.

After the funeral and stuff I decided to take a mini vacation and went to visit my cousin in Oregon. I stayed with her almost two weeks. It was a nice break from all of the stuff going on at home. When I got home my dad invited me on a vacation in Mexico. Originally it was only supposed to be about three weeks, but it turned into a whole month. It was a great time, but I was super stressed out for a lot of it.

Just looking at the facts when my grandma died the following came into question for me:

Job?

Income?

Living arrangements?

Those are some really major things to not have an answer or plan for all of a sudden.

I wasn’t very smart during the last two years. I didn’t build up a very good savings for after this all ended. That’s my fault. Everyone tried to get me to do it, but I always thought there would be more time. And I always felt like I was saving enough. I wasn’t, and I didn’t, and now I’m kind of screwed.

The fact is, I made a lot of money working for my grandma, and at this point I have none left to show for it. None. I’m almost totally broke. I am in the sense that I owe a lot more money than I have.

I got a job, but I don’t work enough or get paid enough. As it is I’ll probably quit as soon as I can find something else because I’m only making about $30 a week after gas and stuff. It’s just not worth it. I like the job, I think I would really enjoy it if I got more out of it, but since I don’t I’m going to have to move on. I’ve been looking for something else, but so far haven’t gotten any leads. I’m really panicking. My care payment is due in a week and I don’t have the money to pay for it. If I lose my car I can’t work and that’s a huge hit to my credit and everything else. I can’t lose my car. It’s almost literally the only thing I have to show for the last two years of work.

My grandparents came back when I came back from Mexico so we’re all living together now. It’s been good, but I think we all feel a little bit awkward. They’re trying to make the house theirs and I’m trying to stay out of the way. Help out where I can. Hopefully I’m not secretly driving them crazy. I love having them here. They’ve planted a garden, which is something I wanted to do, so I’ve been trying to help them take care of it. So far I’m not doing so great, but I’m hoping to do better.

My mom and I are barely talking, but I have no idea why. It seems like since my sister got pregnant again I’m just not worth my mom’s time. She’s got more important things to deal with and worry about. She got married on May 5th. She eloped. I’m really happy for her, I know it’s something she’s wanted for a while so I’m glad she finally did it. Everything else has been weird though. She doesn’t tell me anything about what’s going on with family or my sister. She doesn’t talk to me about work or anything else most of the time. I feel like I have to beg for her attention and that makes me sad. She never said anything when I got my job, but she did eventually take me shopping for work clothes since I didn’t have any money to buy them. Now it makes me feel guilty because I’m going to have to quit and work somewhere else. I wish I knew what was going on.

Nothing has really changed with my sister. She’s still pregnant. She’s supposed to be done with school this year, we’ll see how it goes. She already did a ceremonial graduation so she could get all of the paperwork done with the year 2016 on it instead of 2017 since she should be done in December. I’m having a hard time seeing how she’ll finish up school this year after she has her baby. She’ll have two kids, a 4 year old, and a newborn. And no standard daycare available for a newborn because my sister has no income to pay for it. And with free daycare around here your kid has to be potty trained. I’m not sure what she’s going to do or how she’s going to make it all work. I guess we’ll see what happens.

My niece turned 4 on April 1st. I was getting ready to go to Mexico but got to see her for an hour before my sister took her to visit the new baby’s dad.

My dad’s been sick the last couple of weeks. That really bothers me. He has vertigo. I guess it’s a viral infection of the inner ear that messes up your equilibrium and makes you feel like you’re seasick all the time. At least that’s how he describes it. He’s getting better, but it’s slow going. He was in bed for like 10 days, and he’s been up for a few but he’s still dizzy a lot. He and my step mom have been at my grandpa’s house in Arizona (my dad’s dad) for almost a month. As soon as my dad feels well enough to drive they’re going to come up here to visit me and my sister and my niece and everyone. I spent a whole month with them in Mexico but I miss them. It’ll be good to see them.

I cut off all my hair just before I left in April. It’s really short. Practically a pixie cut. I love it! And it was so nice to have it so short in Mexico. I got it cut based on this photo, although mine isn’t quite as short on the sides because I have wavy hair.

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I got in my first, and hopefully only, fender bender a week or so ago on my way home from work. I was driving in the city towards the highway and I was behind this guy who was driving really slow. It seemed like he was lost. It’s a 4 lane road, two lanes going each direction, but as you get to the onramp for the highway the right lane splits into two lanes creating a middle and right turn-only lane. The guy stopped his car in the middle lane just after it split to create the three lanes. Just stopped. No blinker, nothing, just stopped his car. The light was red, I thought maybe there was a car farther in front of him and he was just one of those people that leave a lot of room. Either way I needed to get in the right lane to get on the highway to go home, so I flipped on my blinker and pulled into the right lane to “go around” him and into the lane for the highway onramp. I put “go around” in quotes because I didn’t really need to go around him as much as get into the right lane and then stop at the light before continuing onto the highway. As I passed his car (in my lane) he decided to turn into the gas station that is on that corner, and he hit the back driver’s side of my car.

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The damage isn’t major, but I was really upset. It was my first ever accident, I was all by myself, and I had just left work. I was shaking. I was trying not to cry or throw up. I was a mess. I pulled around the corner and into the gas station parking lot, got out of my car and surveyed the damage while the guy put gas in his own car at a gas pump. Then he walks over to my car and just stares at it for five minutes. Eventually he asks me what it is I’d like to do and I explain that I want to call the police and get a police report done so there’s no problems. His response “Well I have a problem, I don’t have insurance.” Great! I’m furious and panicked all at the same time. I tell him I’m going to call anyway and he walks back to his car. I’m half afraid he’s going to drive off but he doesn’t. I call the local police department and get sent in circles through their automated system and then I realize, it’s a holiday and they’re probably working short handed and they’re probably really busy. I call my mom and ask her what to do, her husband is a cop and he tells me to take a picture of all the damage, the guy’s drivers license and the VIN on his car so I can report it all the next day. I did all that, the guy took pictures too and we exchanged phone numbers.

I cried all the way home.

I filed a police report two days later when I finally got in touch with the police department there and was told I could do it online. Nothing has been done since then. The report has been accepted but nothing else is going to happen with it on that end I’m sure.

Clearly my life has been pretty messed up lately. It hasn’t been all bad. I’m still really lucky. I wasn’t injured in the car accident, and neither was the other guy. The damage to my car isn’t too horrible and I have good insurance even if he doesn’t. I still have a place to live and I found a job. Life isn’t horrible, just stressful and still a little chaotic.

Tomorrow I’m going camping for a night with my friend for her birthday. I’m really excited! I haven’t seen her for a while and a lot has changed for both of us. It’ll be good to catch up and celebrate. My grandparents have generously agreed to watch my dogs overnight, hopefully it won’t be too bad.

In the meantime we’re all waiting for my uncle to get the estate and the will in order. He’s the executor although none of us know why. It’s been months and nothing has been done really. There were changes made to the will during her days in the hospital that have been brought into question so now it’s been pushed back even farther. It’s adding to my stress because I’m supposed to get some money as an inheritance and if I do it would make things a whole lot easier on me while I try to find a better job. In the meantime I don’t know what I’m going to do to stay afloat and pay my bills. I’ve already cancelled everything I can that I’ve been paying for. I don’t know how to downsize anymore than I already have and I don’t know what to do to make money magically appear so I can keep paying my bills.

Right now I’m just trying to make it through every day, one day at a time. I’m so stressed out, so panicked, afraid, nervous, upset, depressed. It isn’t even manageable sometimes. I go see my therapist this week and that will be good. I think she’ll be disappointed because I’ve backslid in terms of my depression, but with everything that’s been going on it’s to be expected.

Anyway, I’ve written a ton and I think I’ve caught everyone up on everything that’s been going on.

For those wondering about my grandpa and his cancer, I don’t really have any updates except to say that he seems to be doing okay, he’s living his life and it seems as if nothing is wrong, but I don’t know if it’s an act or just the way it is. (This grandpa isn’t the one who’s living with me, or the one in Arizona. It’s my mom’s step-dad.)

So, I’m going to try to be around some more again. I think it’s good for me to be able to get all of this stuff out and off my chest instead of locked away in my head. Hopefully things will start getting better and that my life will start moving forward again. Right now I feel like I’m going in circles.

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