My grandma is still in the hospital and it isn’t looking good. They’ve basically said they can’t do anything more but make her comfortable while we wait for her to pass.
She’s on a breathing machine of sorts, it’s called a bi-pap I guess. Basically it has some pressure behind the air flow so it sort of forces the air/oxygen into her body because she doesn’t have the strength to really breathe on her own. Normally it’s meant for short term use but she’s had it on 24/7 for 11 or 12 days now. The mask is starting to cut into her face but they can’t take it off because her blood pressure spikes and the rest of her stats drop. Once they take it off it’s basically game over.
The nurse and the doctors say that the machine isn’t really working for her anymore. She’s really only breathing with the top part of her lungs and the oxygen isn’t moving through her body like it’s supposed to. She’s unresponsive most of the time. She’ll wake up for a minute or two, every once in a while, and then go right back to sleep. Her body is essentially done and from what I can see she’s basically shutting down. Her ears, hands and feet are really cold because the blood is pooling around the organs that are the most important.
Her blood is what they call acidotic (whatever that means), but it has something to do with the levels of oxygen and other chemicals being really off. Overall she really isn’t doing well. She’s stable, but she’s not doing well.
Her breathing is very labored. Short, shallow, quick breaths that don’t get much into her. The machine is making it worse from the way it sounds because the pressure of the air is causing her body more stress. They’ve sort of recommended we take her off the bi-pap and just put her on oxygen. She needs the extra oxygen but the pressurized air is causing her body more harm than good at this point, but as soon as we take her off her stats are going to crash and there will be no bringing her back.
I’m at the point where I feel like it’s time. She deserves to be at peace. She deserves to really rest. She doesn’t need to fight anymore and we don’t need to keep her. I love my grandma, but it’s time. She doesn’t have a life anymore she has an existence. It’s so hard to think about losing her, but for me it’s so much harder to think that we’re torturing her because we aren’t ready to let go.
She specifically said she didn’t want to be intubated because she doesn’t want machines to keep her alive, and that’s basically all this is doing, it just isn’t down her throat.
I can’t watch it anymore. I’ve been there a lot the last two days because they didn’t think she was going to make it at all. We flew my grandpa up from Mexico so he could say goodbye. It was a 6 hour flight because of a plane change and layover, and they weren’t sure he was going to make it in time, it was that bad at one point. She’s more stable now and has been doing okay, but I think inside she’s miserable. Her hands are all swollen, she’s got so many bruises from being poked and prodded. She’s got a mask over her nose and mouth and machines all around her. She doesn’t want to live this way.
Why doesn’t anyone else see that?
It’s time to let her go, no matter how hard it is.
I’m skipping the hospital today. I’m too tired. Too emotionally wrecked. I can’t handle any more. I can’t keep watching her hooked up to all these machines that she wouldn’t want to be hooked up to. She hates the hospital. She’s been there too long already. She doesn’t want machines keeping her alive, yet they won’t put her on something more comfortable. It’s all such a mess. I’m so tired of seeing her suffer. I can’t do it anymore. And I don’t want to be there when she dies. I’ve been taking care of her for almost two years. For two years I’ve watched her deteriorate. Most of my good memories are being replaced by bad ones and watching her die is just one more memory that I don’t want.
I know people are going to be mad at me. I know people are going to be upset and frustrated and tell me I’m being selfish. But I don’t care. My grandma would understand. She doesn’t want anyone sitting around and watching her die. She doesn’t want us spending days of our lives waiting for the inevitable. She wouldn’t want us to put our lives completely on hold for this. That’s just not her.
I’ll write more later. This was supposed to be short and it’s already gone on far too long. I have too much to do today. I’ll write some more tonight or tomorrow about what’s going on and more of how I’m feeling. I need to get these things off my chest.