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Apologies

I apologized to one of my exes last night. It was long overdue.

Our relationship was never meant to be and although it happened, and I don’t regret it, I regret the way I handled the end of it.

It was my decision to end our relationship. A decision he did not agree with. I should have gone about it in a totally different way. I was almost cruel in the way I ended things. Granted I was afraid. Not as much for my safety but more about the way he would react. I didn’t know how he would take it and I was all alone in a state that I was unfamiliar with. I didn’t know how to walk away on my own, didn’t have anywhere to go, anyone to turn to.

In the end my dad and step mom came to my rescue. Along with my grandparents. They came out and helped me pack up my stuff. We loaded everything we could onto my grandparents truck and into my car and we made the long journey home together. My dad and step mom let me stay with them for a while after I got back and everything eventually went back to normal.

But with him I had handled things so badly I didn’t know how to face him.

We had a lot of problems in the end. Problems on both sides. Neither of us were fully at fault for the relationship ending, but it was time. We needed to go our separate ways, but with him not wanting to I wasn’t sure how to manage it. Things had gone too far too fast and I wasn’t sure how to back out of what I had allowed myself to be drawn into.

I felt guilty and horrible about myself and I was angry that I had allowed myself to be put in that position and that I hadn’t said something, or admitted it to myself even, sooner. If I had then the situation would have been totally different, and maybe easier.

Instead I was sneaky, I hid that I was leaving until the day before my family showed up to get me and my stuff. I didn’t want to face him alone. I couldn’t face him alone.

The talk we had the night before I left was bad. I had hurt him and in a strange way he had hurt me. I wasn’t sure how to handle anything that was going on. We argued, and I was worried about how he would react to my leaving. He was so hurt I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. I’m the first to admit I handled it so poorly, but at the time I honestly didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how else to handle it. I was terrified and I felt like such a failure. I was so upset with myself and so frustrated with him.

Looking back now there were things we both could have done differently that might have made the relationship last longer, or end in a less dramatic fashion. We never would have stayed together forever. That just wasn’t in the cards for us, and that’s okay. We’ve both moved on from the what ifs of our relationship.

There are things I miss and a lot of things I don’t miss. But a lot has changed for both of us.

Although I had apologized before for the way I handled things he deserved a real apology. One where I admitted that I handled things so badly and that he deserved better. Although I’ve always known that I messed up by doing things the way I did I wasn’t ready to face him. Not because I was wrong, or because I had hurt him, or because I was feeling hurt, but because I was embarrassed. I couldn’t face what I had done, how I had done it, or that I had let it get that far. There was so much guilt, still is so much guilt that it’s hard to handle still. But I’m growing up and in doing that I’ve realized it’s important to admit that I was wrong, no matter how hard it is to own up to it. It was time for me to step up and apologize for how I acted and how I treated him in the end.

So I did.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It was probably a lot easier because I did it via text, but face to face isn’t really an option when you live so far apart. But I think I’m finally at a point where I can talk to him again, as a friend only, and not feel like I’m going to be sick. It doesn’t upset me to think about him anymore. It did for a long time. The end of that relationship was so hard for me. The relationship itself was so hard for me. It had started so great that I never expected it to turn out the way it did.

Out of respect for him, as well as privacy for myself, I’m not going to go into what happened with our relationship. The basic reality of the situation is no matter what he did I wasn’t happy and that was all me. Lately a lot of living there with him has been on my mind and that’s what prompted me to apologize. Now that the hard part is out of the way maybe we can move on as friends and move on in other ways. I’m no longer afraid to make the same mistakes, I’ve learned my lesson. But it gives me an idea of what I might want in the future I think.

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