TV/Movies, Uncategorized


You all know I’ve been rematching The Hills and it’s making me think about betrayal a lot. There’s a lot of “betrayal” in this show. Lots of friends dating other friends’ exes. It’s crazy. And it amazes me that people can do that to one another. I’m not completely innocent in the sense that I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, but I wouldn’t date a friend’s ex without discussing it with them first.

I actually had a friend in high school tell me to date her ex because she felt like we would make a much better couple than they had made.

At least in The Hills the people get mad at the right person in the situation.

In The Hills they get mad at the friend, not the ex, although sometimes they get a little upset with the ex too. But mostly they get mad at the friend who went behind their back.

When I was in high school a friend of mine slept with a guy that I had dated off and on for a long time. Like this guy was the first guy I really truly loved. He was the guy that I dated the longest and even though it was a lot of off and on stuff and even though it wasn’t great all the time we had an epic (as he used to say) love story going on. And my friend had sex with him.

He and I weren’t together at the time, so he had no real obligation to me. Do I wish he hand’t chosen my friend to sleep with, absolutely. Was I mad at him for it, definitely. Did I hold a grudge against him for it? No. Do I hold a grudge against her? Absolutely. It’s been more than 10 years since it happened and I am still upset with her for it.

How do you do that to someone who is supposed to be your best friend?

There was a whole group of us that were really good friends but she and I were really really close. We hung out all the time, she knew everything about me. We had a friendship that I had always wanted to have with someone. So she knew exactly who this guy was to me. She knew how important he was. How much I loved him. She knew exactly what she was doing when she did it, she knew it was wrong, and she did it anyway. Then she hid it from me.

He told me.

I was devastated. I’m honestly still a little heartbroken over the whole thing. I lost one of my best friends, and lost the rest of the group too.

The group had been friends since elementary school, I only entered the picture in junior high. So when it came down to it they chose her over me, even though she’d done the same thing to at least one other girl in the group. It amazes me to this day that they didn’t blame her, or get upset with, or even want to admit, that she was in the wrong sleeping with my ex. And it’s something I never would have done, and will never do, to someone I care about.

Anyway, watching this show kind of validates my feelings towards the whole situation.

In the show everyone gets mad at the friend and the whole group of friends gets mad at them, not just the friend who was wronged. Seeing how good some friends can be, how supportive they can be, during a situation like that makes me wonder about the kind of “friends” those girls were to me. By the time high school was over I didn’t even really know them anymore. They basically cut me out when I cut her out. I wanted nothing to do with her and they decided they’d rather give me up and keep her.

It hurt me. A lot. I’m one of the sweetest, most loyal people on the planet and it really hurt me that they felt I wasn’t worth keeping around.

They’re all still friends. They’re all very close. They go to or are in each others’ weddings and visit each other regularly even though they’ve kind of moved all over the country. We’re friends online, but we don’t talk, we don’t check in or anything. I wish them happy birthday and happy holidays and stuff, but that’s pretty much it. Obviously I’m not friends with the girl who betrayed me, but I’m friends with most of the others.

Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently. And deep down I think what happened with them has a lot to do with how I am with my friends now. I’m more cautious about people I’m interested in. I’m afraid to upset my friends because I’m afraid they’ll cut me out of their life. After being cut out once by a group of people I’d been friends with for like four years I can’t imagine going through something like that again.

I know sometimes it’s good to let old friends go and move on with new people. I know sometimes friendships just aren’t meant to work out. It doesn’t make it hurt any less to basically be dumped by a whole group of people when someone else did something wrong.

I guess at this point it doesn’t matter. But this blog is supposed to be about my journey through therapy and my depression and I feel like what happened with her, what happened with them, impacted me and helped me become who I am today. I don’t think it impacted me in a positive way though. I think it definitely added to my insecurities and anxieties.

Life goes on, but not always the way you want it to.

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