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Letters

I think I’m going to start writing letters to the people in my life. Letters that none of them will ever read. It will give me a chance to get things off my chest, clear the air in a sense. There’s a lot on my mind, often, and it’s difficult for me to share the angrier, depressed, hurt side of me out loud than it is for me to do in my head, or on paper.

So starting today when I’m feeling super upset about something I’m going to write a letter about it. It’s going to be like a conversation, one sided, but a conversation. I’m going to say everything I wish I could say to them. I’m going to cry, I’m going to feel the full force of my anger, and I’m going to feel the full force of my pain. Then I’m going to let it go.

I’m going to write the letter, put it out there into the universe, and let it go from within my soul. I don’t just “hoard” things, I hoard hurt and anger. As quick as I am to forgive the person to their face, and it isn’t a fake forgiveness, I never truly let go of the fact that it happened, and I’m hoping by writing the letters I can do this.

Should any of them ever find the letters and read them, I hope they read this as well:

The letters aren’t meant to start a fight, make anyone feel bad, or to be cruel and hurtful. The letters are strictly meant as a way for me to get things off my chest without creating drama that doesn’t need to be there. I know that many of my feelings are irrational. I know that much of what ends up going through my head in regards to why people do things is wrong. I know that sometimes my feelings, regardless of how strongly I feel them, are wrong. I know that at times I have no right to feel how I’m feeling, but I feel the things anyway and instead of trying to keep them just under the surface, instead of trying to keep the feelings at bay and hidden from the world, I’m going to share them with myself. I’m going to write about them and try to leave it all on the page so that I don’t carry it in my heart, or my head.

Something has to change. I can’t keep everything bottled up the way I do and not explode with it sometime. I think in high school I had a mild emotional break down. I’ve always been good at hiding my feelings, keeping things bottled up, pretending everything is fine and nothing bothers me. At one point in high school I broke. I woke up and started crying, for basically no reason, and I couldn’t stop. I cried for days. My mom let me stay home from school. She blamed it on the medication I was taking for my headaches and at the time it seemed as good a reason as any, but considering how I am now, considering how much more I know about myself I think it was more than that. I think I’d had my first emotional break. I think the dam that always held back my bad feelings broke. I think it shattered and everything came crashing down around me.

The dam has been repaired since then, but it has some cracks and things leak through. I’m not as good at holding things in as I used to be. Maybe the letters will help let things out in a better, more final way.

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