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Epiphany #1

I had a sort of epiphany last night (12/28). I’m rather proud of myself actually.

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m codependent and I dislike not being in a relationship. I broke up with my last boyfriend a couple months ago and it was really tough on me. We had been going out for a while, almost a year, and I loved him (which is a whole other post). He wasn’t a good guy though. He wasn’t horrible or anything, but he wasn’t good either. At least not good for me.

Anyway, the point is, after my ex and I broke up I was determined to stay single for a while, which is what the blog was originally supposed to be about; me staying single for a whole year and finding myself. In a way it still may end up being about that. We’ll have to wait and see. I decided that I wasn’t going to put a time limit on how long I needed to be single, or limit myself when it came to possibilities or opportunities that might come about during that year.

Recently I started talking to his guy that I’ve known since high school, so for about 11 years. He says he’s always had a crush on me and always wanted to date me but the timing was just never good. After graduation I moved away, he found a girlfriend who turned into a fiancee and I dated a bunch of people (or had a bunch in relationships). When I moved back to our home town he and I started talking again and we hung out a few times. We didn’t do much, watched a movie the first time, just hung out and talked a bunch of times. It was nice. But then he bailed, disappeared, stopped talking to me.

We went through that a couple times before I walked. I found someone else and got into the relationship I mentioned above, with my not so great ex. The guy from high school and I talked off and on during my relationship, nothing major, just “hey, how are you” kind of stuff. When my ex and I split for good my high school friend and I started talking again. We made plans one day to hang out and he ended up blowing me off. He blamed it on work, said that he got called in on his day off and he was sorry, but he didn’t even bother to let me know that he had to cancel or meet up later or anything.

I got upset, I told him I was done and that I wished him luck in love and that I hoped he found someone. He confessed that he had met someone at work and just wasn’t sure how to tell me. I cried. Not for long, but I cried. We parted ways for a while and then all of a sudden he was back.

About two months ago he showed up again. Wanted to be part of my life. Told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Asked me to be his girlfriend a bunch of times. But I was determined to stay single, so I said no. I said we could hang out, be friends, see how things went and decide later. He started pulling the same stunts he had pulled the first time around. Asking me to hang out, hanging out, and then disappearing for a week before asking me to hang out again. Something that drives me INSANE!

I’d talked to him about how I felt about things, about how I don’t like feeling ignored, or like a friend with benefits person or something. He agreed he wouldn’t treat me that way. But he did. We started hanging out when we could, sort of, but he’d disappear in between and wouldn’t answer my messages. I’d get upset, swear I was done and not saying anything to him for a while. Then he’d message me and ask me to hang out, we’d “argue” about him disappearing and treating me like a friend with benefits versus someone he actually cared about and in the end I would cave and go see him.

For a while it wasn’t a big deal. We’d hang out, cuddle a bit, talk about stupid stuff, maybe kiss, but after a while that all progressed and naturally we had sex. He admitted that he was a sex addict and it really didn’t bother me. As long as he wasn’t running around having sex with everyone on the planet, or other people in general, while we were “together” then it was fine.

What ended up not being fine was him treating me like a booty call and nothing else. We only slept together once, but every time he talked to me about coming over after that was because he wanted sex. Every time I’d bring that up to him, that he was treating it that way he’d say all the right things to make me feel like I was special and important to him.

Something always came up though. We never did hang out again. But we did make plans to. Last night was it though. And that’s when I had my epiphany.

He and I were talking, we had made plans to hang out last night when we talked on Saturday, but during our conversation on Saturday he started asking me to come over. I had already been over there, in the town he lives in, which is at least a 45 minute drive from where I live and I told him I really didn’t want to drive back that night. I’d been home for maybe 20 minutes, had just put on my pajamas and was going to take a muscle relaxer because my neck and shoulders had been killing me for 4 or 5 days already.

I explained to him about the drive, how much pain I was in, that I have dogs to take care of, that I was home alone so no one else could take care of the dogs, and that I hurt so much I wasn’t going to up for sex anyway. He begged, he pleaded, he ordered me to come over, I said no and he stopped talking.

I knew he would still want me to come over on Monday night, but I wasn’t planning on going after that. I mean, seriously, who treats someone like that and then expects them to still come over? Who acts like a complete jerk who has no regard for someone else and then expects that person to drive 45+ minutes to see them for a couple of hours? Apparently he does.

He messaged me again Monday evening asking if I was ready for that night. I told him that after he bailed on our conversation Saturday night I didn’t think he’d want me to come over. We had a long conversation and at one point he actually had me almost convinced to go over. We talked about what I wanted and needed from him and he said, again, that he wanted to be my boyfriend, and that he loved me. We talked some more about things I needed from him if he wanted thing to work. The more we talked the less sure he was about what he wanted.

He told me that he knew he loved me when he looked into my eyes when we were having sex.

That’s when I had my epiphany.

Most people know, or have heard, about what happens with the chemicals in your brain when you’re having sex. Some of the chemicals being released can be the same as those released when you actually fall in love.

If he had really loved me then it wouldn’t have had anything to do with the sex. He would have loved me before, during, and after the sex. Not just during. Although he’d been telling me for a long time that he loved me, he said he realized it for sure when he looked into my eyes during sex. When he admitted just a few minutes later that he didn’t really know what he wanted I knew that it was just the chemical reaction, not real love. I knew that even if he had had a crush on my in high school, and maybe after high school, he didn’t really want me. He wanted sex and thought he could get it from me easier than he could get it from someone else.

I told him it wasn’t going to happen anymore. I told him I needed more than what he was willing to give me. And I know that I deserve more. I know I deserve better than to be someone’s booty call or friend with benefits. I don’t think he meant for it to be that way, I just don’t think he’s ready for anything else. I don’t know if he’s just in a weird place in his life, or if he’s afraid of something more. Whatever his reasons I know he isn’t in a place right now to be in a relationship like one I want and need.

So, I told him that we needed to stop. That we needed to not hang out anymore, and probably not talk either because when we talk it always goes back to sex. I told him that I hope he finds someone who will make him happy and be what he needs right now. I also told him that I’m not going to keep being with someone who doesn’t, can’t, or won’t love me the way I would love them. Although I didn’t love him during this time, I easily could have. It wouldn’t have been hard for me to fall for him and start imagining a future with him. But I’m glad I didn’t let myself get that far with it.

I’m not going to settle. I’m going to wait for someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. who will love me the way I will love them, and who will want a real relationship with me. I need someone who will see me for who I am, not just as a sex object. I’m worth so much more than sex and I’m worth so much more than I give myself credit for.

I’m even starting to believe that some day I might actually find it.

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